A few short breaths.

This morning I woke up
And the air was still -
Electricity died down in my life for a
Few
Short
Breaths.
Today I woke up tired and fearful.
I woke up and began to break my own heart
- Before you got the chance.

Lips do what hands do
But hearts do the antithesis of what brains do.
I pray with my lips
-with you and inside you
And I feel for you with my mind
-without you and outside you.

This is the part where I break in two.
Dive headfirst into the shallow end
and feel my skull split.
This is where I realize that I boarded the train
- Simultaneously with the realization
that its moving to fast to get off.
And its taking me further
And further
And further away
From my body.

Still, Rather than taking in the scenery and the majesty - of you
I cover my eyes and impatiently wait for the sound of the crash.

The truth is this...
You may break me.
And there is nothing I can do
To protect myself from this.
You also may not.
And I'll have suffered for nothing.
The truth is,
I must go on standing
To keep my spine intact.
I must go on moving
So's not to forget who I am
Truth is,
The train is me
And if you hop off
It will keep going forever.

Eyes open, dear
You are love
I am you
And we are free most
Just after we've been caged.

A letter from a drowning girl:

Tonight I am alone
Much like other nights
but tonight my head spins
and I cant shut it off.
Tonight I think about love
and ships
and how they sink
and how we have no control over that.
I listen to music, I watch a movie, I drink cinnamon tea
They distract me briefly and in small measures.
Mostly I picture open water
thinking this will soothe me
but again I start thinking about these ships
White sails weathered brown and rugged from the storms that pass
in and out of you and me.
wood splintered and digging into my feet.
and how even with all this I still refuse to jump
I still refuse to swim.
I only keep my eyes open for another ship
prepare myself ready to make the jump.
Love is not heavy, but mine is.
And if I’m not sinking in you
I’m sinking in me.
Only I go deeper.
And it’s cold down here in the places within myself I pretend aren’t there.
So I claw at the water praying for a saviour
a god, a man, a little bit of truth
something other than myself to keep me afloat.
Somewhere warm to crawl into
cause when I’m thinking about you
I’m not thinking about me.
No, love is not heavy
But mine is.
and I search within myself for the mermaid
the siren, the scaled flipper, the thrust
the last little part of me that believes I know how to swim.
praying that even the search its self will keep me afloat

Just for today.
Just for this minute.
Just for this second.
I am here.