Today I woke up and thought about fragility. Wondered when it became unattractive for women to be delicate. I thought about the story of the princess and the pea. How she was so sensitive that she felt the pea under 20 mattresses, and THIS was what set her above the other girls. This was what the prince had been waiting for. I imagine that at that time that was beautiful. Today, its because of this fragility that I don’t feel beautiful or desirable. I am the princess and the pea. Ultra and hyper sensitive. Noticing the smallest detail and feeling it with intensity. I said to you once over a salad at a restaurant “Things effect me”. You laughed and made fun of me for months about that. Many moons later I said to you “Do you think even a small part of you is attracted to my sensitivity?" …you didn’t even flinch. “No Honey" You said, "That’s a part of you that never ceases to turn me off”
And so there it is. The question being…Do the men I give my heart to look at sensitivity with callous disdain? Or do all men? Is this once cherished part of the female psyche been re appropriated to be a negative trait? Or am I just finding the people that feel that way and latching on to them? and if the latter is so…why? What is it I find attractive about a man that doesn’t accept a huge part of me.
I have and will continue to accept my sensitivity and put it to good use. I understand there are careless and self harmful ways to use my sensitivity and I will not let that be or define me. I will find strength in being delicate. I will find self love in being sensitive. I will be the princess writhing in her bed wondering how the bowling ball got under her when it is merely a pea and I will see the gifts that this hyper psychic intuition gives me. And then I will find a man that thinks it’s beautiful, too.
