Sunday, September 21, 2014

5 Years



For 5 years I’ve swept up the debris of my life.
Addiction takes from you secretly and silently.
It covers your eyes and it steals behind your back
While you lay asleep
High in the tower
With your hair hanging down for a prince.
I climbed that tower when I was 13.
My nails cracked and bled - I slid the scaly walls and cracked under the brambles.
I worked hard for my death.
I wanted to die
And I did.

I slept while my life happened to me.
My body matured and walked the world
But I was asleep in that tower.
Safe – Safe – Safe.
Hovering above myself while I was stolen from.
Sticky floors and twisted sheets.

For 5 years I’ve mopped up the remains of my life.
Collected it all in a pile and inspected the remnants.
I loosened the fabric that covered my eyes, my face, my body.
Over years I gently and carefully removed it and allowed myself to see.
Afraid – Afraid - Afraid
I carved out a place in myself and let myself in.

A rough and inhospitable home I was for myself at first
My skin was like coarse wool and the wind blew through me
Cold – Cold – Cold.
But when I opened myself for me
The universe followed and lit me up from the inside.
No longer am I asleep
No longer am I in the dark
I have you inside me
I have everything I need – inside me.

5 years ago I gave myself life.

And for 5 years I’ve lived.



3 comments:

  1. Hmmm, I tried posting and it disappeared. I'll try one more time.

    Thank you for writing this poem, and for posting it today. I'm sorry we have to live the lives we lived in order to have these insights, but I'm not in charge. Thanks again.

    Jim Shedden

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  2. you were always insightful, I remember being scared because you saw through all my bravado and bullshit and knew me for the scared little boy inside the scared little man I was becoming. I think you were equally as scared in this world, and that you saw things behind the lies all of us sheep believe to get by. It's good then that you're a songbird and not stuck on the ground with the cattle. You write beautifully, and you always have, I have checked from time to time through the years. I feel things deeply and it's rare that someones words will resonate in that deep dark place I keep locked under sarcasm, isolation, scar tissue and opiates.
    That's where that little boy lives. Somewhere safe, while the man he never was tries to just survive. I hope to be able to write one day that I also let myself live, but if that day doesn't come I hope that I'll hear a song on the radio and I'll recognize the voice, that the words will comfort that little boy, and that hopefully you are happy somewhere in the world.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for these kind words Tristan. If you resonate with my experience with addiction, a recovery program saved my life :) one Aquarius to another. I wish you all the best.

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